I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
