I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
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