the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
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