it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
