You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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