Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Randomize