I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
