sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Randomize
