There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
That accounts for only three of the penises
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Randomize
