sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
