yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
areolas are like halos for boobs.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
Randomize
