Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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