Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Randomize
