so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
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