Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
