Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize