If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Randomize
