i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Randomize
