Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
