I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
Barsexuality is the new black.
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
