Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
Sober January is a disaster.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
Randomize
