No stitches, just platelets and will power
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
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