is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
