did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
i would have smoked before this dance, how ever i have surgery Monday and I looked up weed and anesthesia and fatalities was mentioned, so i decided that it would be a bad idea
probs a good idea
i like the whole idea of life and being alive
you sure you're not high?
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Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
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Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
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