Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
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