How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Randomize
