That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Randomize
