our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
