In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
