Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
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