New low: just hacked my moms facebook
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
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