That's when you crack a 10am beer
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
