I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Randomize
