we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
