Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
we're so committed to being not committed
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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