this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Randomize
