I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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