Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
