I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Randomize
