I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
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