im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
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