Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
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