I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
