...so i touched it.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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