After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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