you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
