Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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