If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
