But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
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i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
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I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
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