I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
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Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
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I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
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