I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
