The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
