The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
