Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
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