I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
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