it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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