i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
Randomize
