Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
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